Happenings behind the scene of a single movie production session are equal to a three-hour epic film. Celebrity Marriage is a movie with murderous characters and behaviors but spares spilling single blood. “If you don’t know, now you know, Nigaaaa!” Busta Rhyme Ft. Biggy.
Celebrity Marriage is a Tv tabloid, Nollywood brings into the open. Someone gets laid for a two-minute speaking part in a production, and she may hardly know the name of the film but still be glad to get her name in the credit. The producer must have sex with one or two girls for the same part. His wife or daughter must have promised her lesbian friend a coveted lead role in her daddy’s upcoming production. The lead actor spends the most time on the set in the men’s room, snorting cocaine. And the slay queen who wants to lay all the beautiful actresses on the stage. Yet, it’s all a mum on the set. “If you don’t know, now you know, Nigaaaa!
Uncle Gabe (Kanayo O. Kanayo) is the zookeeper in charge of hyenas, cougars, tigers, and lions. He is the chairman of the movie production company. He had met Stephanie (Tonto Charity Dikeh) in the hotel, cleaned her up after a good feed on her, and brought her home to be the wife of his nephew, Tibosun (Felix Omokhodion). Uncle Gabe takes sexual swipes at Stephanie from time to time, and shortly before her wedding, has sex in the cloakroom of the church while Tibosun is ready for the bride. He later presents the wedding couple with a brand new Land Rover jeep. Have to milk the cow. All that happens in this movie is a deep secret. “If you don’t know, now you know, Nigaaaa!”
Victoria (Jackie Appiah) is a slay queen. She wants to have all the women in the production, and she’s working hard to get at Rita. Rita loves her husband, and she’s not into the lesbian thing at all. Yet Victoria is creatively trying to bring Rita into her orbit by portraying her husband as a woman abuser. “I know, but I don’t want to trend negatively,” Rita still fights back against Victoria’s ploy to get her to disown her husband, Farouq, on film. They have got her face painted to assume she had a beating from Farouq. “I can’t walk out of that marriage without creating unnecessary drama. Vicky, look, I want the world to look at me positively. Look, I want to be married; I want to be happy.” These are some of the fights that go on behind the scenes in film productions. “If you don’t know, now you know, Nigaaaa!”
Then we catch Rita (Toyin Abraham), a celebrity, and her abusive husband Farouq (Odunlade Adekola). Rita is beaten up, kicked, terrorized by her husband, Farouq. She can do anything in this world to please him, but alas! Farouq is never satisfied with whatever Rita offers him. His presence terrifies her, and he never hesitates to ram her a slap or two. Rita protects Farouq’s domestic abuse from the probing eye of Victoria. Victoria wants Rita to expose the abuse to the public and divorce “the bastard.” “If you don’t know, now you know, Nigaaaa!”
There are certain moments of truths in this movie. It is the scene in which the lawyer wants Rita to sign the document about her abusive husband. She refuses to portray her husband as the abused wife in the film. Vicky set this trap to win over Rita to add her to the harem of lesbians under her control. Among all the characters, she is the most straightforward. It is funny when Rita whisks the wig off her head in revolt. Victoria’s friend, the blogger, for the lucrative sum of 10 million nairas, blows her cover with Latonna’s secret affair in the gossip magazine.
Victoria, “How could you betray me like this? And you splash out all my secrets on your blog?”
Baby, don’t be mad. Baby, my site is badly in need of some traffic. Besides, your husband has heard rumors.”
Then too, Juliet uncovers her friend Stephanie to her husband Tibosun about her using contraceptives. Juliet had also had sex with Uncle Gabe. She must have connected that Stephanie has a secret rendezvous with Uncle Gabe in a coupe to fall in favor with her. This film has floundering males and lesbian cougars, and nymphos. In show business, there is no permanent enemy nor permanent friend. “If you don’t know now, you know, Nigaaaa!”
The scene in the car when Stephanie and Uncle Gabe share their thoughts is the moment of truth in the story.
Stephanie, “I’ve been trying to reach you.”
Uncle Gabe, “I was out of the country.”
“What about roaming your phone? Can you quit interrogating me and get to the point?”
“Fine. The thing is, I’m losing my mind. I’ve lost my marriage, I’ve lost my home, I’m about to lose my sanity if you don’t do something about it.”
“Do something like what? You messed it all up. You failed to cover your tracks. For a woman of intelligence is no excuse.”
“Well, I would not be in this dilemma if I was not playing your game.”
“We are all losers now.”
“What if I tell all?”
“Sadly, you won’t be alive to tell the story.”
Tibosun discovers that Stephanie has been using contraceptives, indicating that she doesn’t want a child from her husband. Uncle Gabe’s trademark is to pass out to all his illicit girlfriends and affair with his nephew’s wife to avoid having children with any. Her so-called friend, Juliet (Calista Okoronkwo), snitches on her and is let go of the “queen slay” of the movie production empire. Talking with someone on the phone and passing by the disparaged friend Stephanie, Juliet comments, “Olympus is finally fallen. (to Stephanie) When you fall, I rise.” What a backstabbing character!
The narrator says there are no permanent friends in show business, nor are there permanent enemies. Craig Kilborn says, “People who go into show business are screwed up.”